The Empty Nest

While celebrating my son’s birthday last week, I watched him from across the room and thought about the “the empty nest syndrome.” This man that I raised is a delight to be around, a good person, interesting, and a pleasure to know as an adult. Simultaneously, it was sobering to think about those years passing so quickly and to realize that I am much older. 

Although parenting lasts a lifetime, for me “the empty nest syndrome” begins when your children are gone, they live with a partner, are married, or live across the country. They visit and you visit them, but they don’t show up for the summers and school breaks, again occupying their bedrooms as they once did. They have their “own” lives separate from you. Perhaps, the comings and goings for the first few years after they graduate from high school prepare us for their permanent departure (although, for some, graduating from high school may be a permanent departure). Their partners and spouses now take your place. It’s not that your children don’t love you or want to spend time with you, but they now have others that they love. Remember how much we as parents loved our family of three, four, or five. That is how they now feel. 

For most parents it is a loss, a grief process, an extraordinary life transition. For those who have divorced and remain alone, for those who were single parents, for those with only one child, and for those who stayed at home to raise their children, this shift can be even more difficult. These parents don’t have the luxury of a significant other to help them with this transition nor the gradual transition that comes with having more than one child leaving.

True empty nesters must learn to change their self-identity and value, and in time regain their equilibrium. After all, we had a life prior to being parents. Although older, there are many activities, interests, and passions we now have time to resume or explore, and we can relearn the joy that comes in taking care of ourselves, not to mention, for some, the possibility of a new partner. These times can be exciting! 

Let’s not forget that there is also grief involved for the adult children even if they appear thrilled to be leaving. They are leaving their childhood homes, they tend to reminisce more about their childhood, there is uncertainty about facing the real world, they miss the joy and imagination of childhood, and they now think and wonder about what their parents were like at their age. They develop into more of an individual and grow more as their own person, carrying with them what they have learned from you, and they gain a sense of empathy for what their parents went through in raising them, or just simply as people. 

When your children have a partner or spouse, you have the good fortune of gaining a son or daughter. It is an amazing experience to spend time with your adult children, to watch them from across the room and know that you were a good parent and the result of your hard work and love has paid off. The love is greater than ever, and the rewards are indescribable.